Goodbye dignity

When I applied to live in Daegu I had no allusions – I knew that in the spring the city would morph into a sweltering swampland. But back in good old sodden blighty anything above 18 Celsius was such an abstract concept that I found it easy to pretend that I would be able to take the mosquito’s paradise in my stride. Not so.

Teacher Lolen at the end of the day

It began last week. At first the difference in temperature was barely perceptible, but steadily as the week progressed the ratio of students to improvised fans began to increase. 

My morning walk to school became less invigorating and more like walking through a wall of syrup, and chalk began to turn to paste the second it touched my fingertips. 

By yesterday the students were practically wilting over their desks and emitting terrible smells, and Teacher Lolen was applying her 3450458498th layer of deodorant whilst openly cursing the pitiful ceiling fans.

By the time the final bell rang, having been in a confined, furnace-like space with 35+ teenage boys for 7 hours, I was quite ready to go get naked with my friend Adrienne and a bunch of random Korean ladies at the local jimjilbang. Little did I know that I would be dispensing with my dignity as well as my clothes.


I had heard about the Korean’s ‘unique’ take on the full body scrub but nothing can really prepare you for having a little old naked Korean lady gripping onto your inner-butt cheek for leverage while she goes to town on the rest of you with what is essentially a cheese-grater. All whilst your friend lies at your side, within plain view, having an intimate moment  with a cheese-grater of her own. An unbreakable bond was formed between Adrienne and I at the point when my scrubber lathered me up and began vigorously spanking me.

It is safe to say that I’ve never felt so violated, and yet so smooth, in my life. 


Becoming Augustus Gloop

Today I found out that in the space of the 3 months I’ve been here I’ve managed to incur five cavities. Five. Thats three more than I’ve ever had in my life. In 3 months. How could this have happened? Have I been obliviously downing litres of Dr Pepper in the middle of the night. No. Rather, this happened.


And this happened.


And finally this happened.


Curse you Paris Baguette with your sugary approximation of bread, curse you crap Korean instant coffee with your syrupy consistency, and curse you fish-shaped-batter-filled-with-beanpaste-selling-lady – why must you insist on stationing yourself right outside my school? It’s as if you know I’m most vulnerable to sweet substances at the end of the day.

And the thing is there is nothing to deter me from continuing my assault on my teeth. My fillings plus scaling cost a grand total of 130,000 won (about £80).

So basically this is my destiny.