Friday afternoon at my school is club time. As I’m not in charge of any club I either tag along on one of the club outings e.g. the zoo (Animal Club?) or the cinema (Movie Club) or if there’s nothing that piques my interest I procrastinate in the teacher’s lounge. Today I’m doing the latter and am clearly being punished for my idleness by the Music Club.
I have no idea what part of the school this club is being held in but it doesn’t matter because the product is being played at ear-piercing volume in every room in the building. It is even being played outside. There is no escape.
First up is Alicia Keys – Some people want it all
This number is sung in the form of a duet. The incompatibility of the pairing is immediately and painfully obvious. One kid is trying for an Ed Sheeranesque soft yet intense sound while the other is imagining chomping heads off bats with Ozzy. Neither of these styles are in any way suited to this song. Neither or these boys can in any way sing.
Muse – Supermassive Blackhole
I feel as if someone is holding a knife against this kid’s back. His heart really is not in it. I pray for someone to put both he and I out of our misery. Sadly no one does. They seem to have got hold of some never-ending extended version. Incredibly it is even more painful than the first song.
Kelly Clarkson – Because of You
A for effort here. Once again the song choice is staggeringly ill-advised – no person with an ounce of common decency would attempt those high-notes outside of the sanctity of their shower but this kid goes for it with all he’s got. On the last high note I’m sure I can actually hear a blood vessel burst with the pressure. I’m sure his voice will never be the same again but the smattering of applause at the end no doubt makes up for it.
Westlife – You Raise Me Up
Interesting approach to the high-notes here – sounds as if he is straining for a stubborn poo. Again, very painful to hear. The teacher at the desk opposite me visibly winces when he reaches the bridge.
R Kelly – I Belive I can Fly
Here we have yet another individual who should never be encouraged to pursue singing, even as a hobby. Manages to sing the entire song without any identifiable emotion and an audibly blocked nose. He does, however, redeem himself at the very end by reproducing R Kelly’s- ‘flyaaayaayayyayayayayayayyaayayayayayayayayayaay, HOO!’